Here I sit the 6th day of the first month of 2020 on a rainy day in Washington State writing my first blog of the year. I had wondered what I would write about first when the year flipped over to the new. I wondered if I would do a New Year's Resolution blog or maybe a positive/uplifting blog or something else all together. On December 31st I did a vlog for New Year's (click here) talking about my thoughts on making New Year's Resolutions, so that was done. I have been fairly active on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter with the positive post too. Now, I don't like to blog for the sake of blogging which is why there isn't a set schedule for when I do a new one. I blog when the mood strikes me and I have something to write about. I never want to obligate myself to do it because the message gets forced and, often times, lost. As you can probably tell I must have figured something out because here I am rambling along in a blog about writing a blog. Funny thing, that is when I think about it. OK, let me get to the message but first a little back story. A few days ago I was in my truck and song came on the radio. The female singer's voice just resonated through me as the waves crashed along the coastline of my drive. I pulled over with the window down and listened to both the waves and the song. I knew what the girl was singing about, even if I didn't know who was singing. The words resonated deeper and
differently to me. I realized that for me the song wasn't about a love or a lost love but about reflection. Wait, what? Before I explain you should probably listen to the song or at least know what it is I'm talking about. The song is Lose You To Love Me by Selena Gomez (I found that out later). That link is to her official YouTube video for the song. I invite you to listen before going down this rabbit trail with me. I'll wait...
Ready? Good. Let's get back to the message at hand. Where was I? Oh yes, sitting in my truck listening to the song and waves as the song resonated deeply within me. At the time, I heard the song I didn't understand why it resonated but then I found the artist (Selena, like I said), the song's video (linked above) and listened a few more times. Then it hit me, in the chorus:
To love love yeah
To love love yeah
To love yeah
I needed to lose you to love me
"I needed to lose you to love me" was sung about a love but that was not what I felt. To me, it shouldn't be sung to someone else but to the person in the mirror. That's what was resonating deep within me but I am not the only one that should find the message. It should be seen by the many people who are fighting themselves on a daily basis. By the countless people struggling to be one with the person in the mirror. By the endless lost souls who run from the very place of safety that they should run to which is the person in the mirror or, in short, themselves. This is what resonated with me. As I pictured myself standing there I let the lyrics spill from my mouth and the mirrored me repeated them word for word:
You promised the world and I fell for it I put you first and you adored it
How many times have we promised ourselves we were going to do something, make a change, conquer this fear or anything else along those lines only to know deep down we wouldn't? How many times do we look in the mirror and see the failure or the smirk of a person who doesn't believe we (you/I) can do it? It is almost like we take pleasure in it. Then there are the other battles that we face, from addiction to depression to other forms of self-hate. How often do we put those demons first? How often do we let them win and "adore it" as we fall deeper? Or as she says, You set fires to my forest And you let it burn Sang off key in my chorus 'Cause it wasn’t yours
I think about the ways we damage our success or attempts to succeed by burning bridges, making excuses, or simply falling back into those old routines. I thought about what it means to "sing off key in my chorus" and all a pictured was those voices of people who we give power to that don't believe in where we are going or what we are trying to do. Those voices that become our own and thus makes the person in the mirror "off beat" with ourselves. In short, we set fire to our own forest and let it burn.
We can't look at ourselves and not hear it all especially when we don't believe in the dreams, goals or simple "worthiness" of ourselves. The odd thing is we call it love. We swear we love ourselves but with each passing day the heart that we share between the two runs blacker and darker.
I saw the signs and I ignored it
Rose colored glasses all distorted
You set fire to my purpose. And I let it burn
You got off on the hurtin’ . When it wasn’t yours
How many times have we seen someone relapse or quit or destroy what they have even after seeing the signs? It's funny how we wear our dysfunction like Scout badges and then fall deeper into the cycle of crap. We "saw the signs and ignored it" only to do it again and again and again. This is what the cycle of self-hate does for us. It's the "rose-colored glasses" that we are either not good enough or, my personal favorite, "got this handled and will get it done next time." Again, it's the cycle that we deflect on others. Remember those voices I talked about earlier? "You set fire to my purpose and I let it burn" is the very thing we are saying when we put our problems of today on the history built by others (i.e. childhood, bad relationships, horrible experiences, etc.,etc.) that we continue carrying forward with us from new experience to new experience. Man, here I am still hearing the words and looking at this movie playing in my mind. It's a deep feeling because I know so many people battle the very person they can never escape. Even now as I write this my mind runs through the many friends and family members that I have talked to about life's problems that are more about the person in the mirror than the person being blamed for causing the issues.
I think about the long road back from those dark eyes. I think about the people who carry it more and more and more to never actually let it go. I think about it as the song repeats in my head. Why do we take the same road? Why do we need to follow the path laid in front of us when we know turning around is the right choice. Why do we... We’d always go into it blindly
I needed to lose you to find me
This dancing was killing me softly
I needed to hate you to love me
Of course it is because of fear. Fear of standing alone and walking the walk only to fail and have to come crawling back to that same face waiting to say "I told you so." Waiting in the bottle, in the needle, in the razor, in the abuse, in the destruction, in the sex, in the fights and anything else we do to numb or ignore the pain. How do we avoid that? We learn to "hate it" in order to "love" one's self. We can't hide from the mirror and every success carries the memory of that hated person/thing. It is the very reason that so many people become successful and yet spend all their life trying to get validated by someone who could care less about them for whatever the reason is to that person.
The road ahead isn't scary. It is simply unknown. It is part of a journey but it isn't "all" of the journey. When we stop and think about it, every day we walk the same path it is still different
because at some point we have to, as they say, "cross that bridge" for ourselves. We can't hate the person mirror and expect to make the best choice for both people on either side of the mirror. As I took the picture of Mount Rainier from the boat ramp in Manchester (Washington) this lady walked by, so I snapped her in my photo. I wondered what she was doing, why she was doing it, and if she had any plan once she reached the end. What is she going to do now that she has "crossed this bridge?" It is interesting to think about since I have no idea, but. for the sake of the blog, I'd say she very well could have kept walking off the end. She also could have jumped in and swam like her life depended on it to the island across from us because she believes in herself. There are lots of possibilities, but what I know is that we all have to face the decision to walk across or not. The question is, do we have to "lose you to love me?" And even more so, can we? The mirror we look at is the same mirror looking at us. In that I think of the battles of support and non-support from within. The moves we make and the failures we carry with us to help prove our own value. Here I am still looking at the regular me and the horned me repeating word for word this song. But now it's not just me but people I know, people I kind of know and even strangers all looking at themselves. Infinite numbers of people. Why? Because we all have to face the person in the mirror. We have to. There is no other way to loving one's self than coming to terms with the darkness from within. How do we fly when the
one in the mirror wants to sink? What happens next? As I look at this movie still playing I hear the next lines:
I gave my all and they all know it You tore me down and now it’s showing
When we give our all without belief in ourselves it is easy to be torn down and it does, in fact, show. We do this because we haven't come to grips with that person who whispers in the background. More often than not we credit others for the failure or the lack of confidence but again, it's that mirror image that we are looking at. When we give our all we have to be, all in, with our belief and willingness to not succeed but on our own terms. No one controls that person in the mirror but us. Ever wonder if we see darkness when we look into the mirror does the mirrored image see light when it looks back? We already have wings shouldn't we fly? As I moved on into the song this set of lines really made me stop and think about how does it relate to the person in the mirror? I watched the movie of myself talking to myself and saw the
words come to life. I said,
In two months you replaced us
Like it was easy
Made me think I deserved it
In the thick of healing
Even though she was talking about the break-up of the relationship I thought about how quickly we convince ourselves to move forward "fake it til we make it" while deep down harboring the notion that we deserve nothing more. I think about how we pretend we are over this or that only to have it pop up later in the next thing or us to make the declaration of how hard that "thing" was to deal with and how people don't understand the struggles we have. How do we heal if we are in fact the one's ripping the scabs off and opening the wounds? And that is what it comes to, the healing.
See in order to love ourselves we must be willing to let the wounds heal and allow ourselves to be who we are at the moment while evolving to who we will be. We must lose the trappings of yesterday's pains and today's mistakes so tomorrow we can walk wiser than the day before. The person in the mirror is not an enemy to be conquered, to be loathed, despised, ignored or anything else of the such. It is the exact same you and what we see is what we have taught ourselves to see. We must stand up and change the station. We must move forward not as "perfect" people but also not as "flawed" either because we are simply who we are 100 percent. Lose the hate of the person in the mirror and find that you always had the love that you needed inside.
You didn't think I used the word "station" by accident did you? Of course not. Take all the love you have, board the next train and get to building 'cause you (we) are so much more than wrapping our lives around some failure be it a relationship or not. Music is interesting as we never know how it will reach us. LETME, my friends. LETME.